The fall out over my blog post My Bully Story posted on September 24, 2011, continues, and in places I would never have dreamed. My brother, Dennis, called me after reading my recent very personal blog posts. Well, as Bani’s stepfather, Adrian (whom we first met in Bani’s Dilemma, Book 1 of the Teen Anti-Bullying Series), always reminds us, everybody has a story. I have to tell you though, this one shocked me more than My Bully’s Story.
Let me tell you a little bit about Dennis. He is 13 months younger than me, and was two years behind me in school. While I was the good boy, college bound, and active in several different extra-curricular activities, Dennis was the tough guy who, it appeared to me at least, made it his business to get into trouble. Was he a bully himself? I quite frankly never thought about it; mostly because we traveled in different circles and I was too busy keeping what was going on with me a secret from my family, including my brother. I was happy to recently learn that Dennis, in fact, never was a bully, but merely a boy being a boy.
Dennis and I in 2007
For the next 30 or so years our relationship was tenuous at best. It was revived when our parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. It was our respective partners, Walter and Judy, who made this reconciliation a reality. Several months later, when Walter and I told Dennis and Judy that we were getting married they were the first ones to accept our invitation.
Fast-forward 5 more years. While speaking to him on the phone the other night, as we discussed my recent blog posts, he casually said, Ya know I was bullied too because of you. Then he painfully reminded me of some of the slurs I had heard from my bullies throughout junior and senior high school. Can you say shocked? This has affected me more than hearing from my bully. I managed to somehow hold it together while he recalled stuff like his face being pushed into the snow. Of that incident he told me that although he remembers being humiliated, he didn’t fight back. He admitted that he was young and didn’t even know what a fairy was in this particular context. Another time he was attacked, all the while his bullier yelled gay slurs about me. Dennis, by the way, got the best of his bully on that particular occasion.
I don’t get it, I told him. Why were you bullied, Dennis? I needed to know. Here is what he said:
Because you were my brother. It’s that simple.
In my fairytale happy ending world I wanted him to tell me that it was because he was defending me, his brother. He, however, told me that he never though of me as gay back then. He just thought of me as a geek. I was a smart kid who liked to study languages. It never crossed his mind that I needed defending. As it turns out I barely knew my brother’s bully who was a known bully and an over-the-top homophobe. Just the rumors and innuendo about me were enough to set him off. In my brother’s case, it truly was a case of guilt by association. When I asked my bully about these incidents he assured me that he knew nothing of them. He also told me that he didn’t know my brother’s bully. Dennis believes that his bully has been in and out of prison several times over the years. It sounds like he never was able to get his life together. I have to wonder just how bad of a childhood this guy had. It must have been pretty horrible.
Ladies and gentlemen, kids are fucking cruel! Sorry for the harsh language, but you have no idea how angry I am! These kids, these bullies, had no right going after my brother!
Dennis has pointed out to me that it really wasn’t that bad. I’m guessing he’s minimizing it for my benefit. The important thing is that we got through this relatively unscathed, he maintains. I wish I could say the same for many of the kids being bullied as we speak.
Bullying affects everybody, and it kills!
What do we have to do to get that simple message into these bullies heads? Those of you who have been following this blog know what I think needs to be done.
Do you hear me moms and dads out there!
Treat your kids as you would want to be treated. Teach them to love and to respect others, and, for God’s sake, keep violence out of your lives!
It’s not that hard!
I’m looking forward to your thoughts and comments.
And as always,
May your life be bully and abuse free.
KEVIN A. CAREY-INFANTE 
Comments on: "Bullying Affects Everybody, And I’m Mad As Hell!" (7)
Here’s a comment I received over a Facebook that I thought was worth posting here:
Lizabeth wrote: “Amen brother! You have a right to be angry and then some. I do understand your brother though. As you know, my brother was bullied and defending him all the time, which caused me to lose friends, but that didn’t matter. I had to protect him. He’s my best friend. Your brother was young, maybe he just didn’t know what to do. It’s hard to understand some things when your young. I do feel that sometimes when kids act a certain way, that they are a product of their environment, like with bullies. ♥”
Kev,
I defended my sister from a couple of female bullies at our high school. Sis is a year younger and was a geek, and good with languages, like you. Our father was a lawyer and every once in awhile, mentioning that fact came in very handy. It also helped that I had a tight “clan” of friends at h.s. who would support me.
I simply walked up to them one day (sis literally hiding behind me, more or less) and said, “Look, you m*therf*ckers, I don’t know who you are or what your problem is, but you leave my sister alone.” One called, “Who the hell are you?” and “Who the f* is your sister?” I answered: “This is my sister (I pulled her out from behind me) and anybody who touches her or gives her any kind of problem is going to have to answer to me, do you get it?” Then: “Our father is a lawyer and if I hear that any of you have done ANYTHING to her, YOU are going to go to court and we will put you in jail, and so are your parents. GOT IT???? Leave her the F* alone.”
Never heard a peep out of them after that.
Way to go, Liz! Yeah…bullies don’t deal very well when they believe that they are the weaker of the two parties. That’s why I always ask kids to be be strong. As hard as I know it is, do your best to stand up to your bully and you have a chance to make it better for yourself right now.
As always, your openness and willingness to share is amazing. My brother was bullied pretty badly in middle school for being over-weight, then he lost a ton of it and joined football in high school. One of us, one of us!
I was an outcast in early elementary school, but I don’t know why. Probably because I’m weird and like to live in a little imaginary world (which serves me quite well as a writer, thank you). But aren’t all kids eccentric? I still remember being really hurt in 3rd grade art class when all the kids were sharing this one girl’s markers to complete a project – they were new sniffable markers and everyone thought they were the best. EVERY ONE used them, when it was my turn, the girl said they needed a rest and put them in her backpack.
I’m not sure why that event hurt me so badly or why I remember it vividly when I forget so many other parts of my life. That was very small in comparison to what you’ve gone through, Kevin. I can only imagine what your memories feel like.
Sigh. When I was bullied as a 5th grader, my older brother chose to look the other way. I saw it as a self preservation on his part and although it hurts me to this day, I understand it. I even understood it back in 5th grade.
Bullying is such a terrible thing and I’m horrified at the lengths to which some children go when tormenting others.
I was bullied in school. My sister was not harassed nearly as much, but still had her moments. We both stood up for each other. More than a few girls were on the receiving end of our wrath for saying a single derogatory word about one of us.
Kids *are* fucking cruel, as you put it. I was actually pretty lucky. All I got was the occasional “Wendy, can I have an order of fries?” and “You don’t have a mom. HA HA!” The few times the bullying got truly mean or violent, I fought back, and so did my sister.
Unfortunately, not every child feels empowered enough to stand up for themselves or others. Bullying can wreck havoc on their self-esteem (it wasn’t bad for me, but I know that it can kill others!) and that’s just the tip of the emotional iceberg.
As a mother to an almost 9-year-old son, I am very happy to say that my boy always stands up for children when they are being tormented by others. I have witnessed him stepping between a bully and another child on so many occasions at the playground or indoor play areas, and it makes me want to cry with happiness that he is such an empathic boy. The fact that he does not turn a blind eye to bullying makes me so proud of his compassion and lack of apathy.
Parents, whether or not *your* child turns into a bully depends on YOU. The affect they have on the lives of others is in your hands. You can honestly and truly save a life (whether literally or emotionally) based on the behavior you model for your child. He or she *will* emulate you in how you treat others (trust me, I’m friends with a woman whose 3 sons treat her like she’s a crash-test dummy – no respect, nothing but violent words and gestures – and they get it from their father).
Kevin, thank you for your honesty.
Thank you for your honesty as well, Wendy. I especially liked your last paragraph. Congrats on raising your son to stand up for the rights of everyone. You sound like one special lady…and a great mother. You are a wonderful example for parents. I know it’s a struggle, and the road is not an easy one…but one person at a time we are going to make it better right now for those kids that need us.
THANK YOU, WENDY!